Never say Never

Lord, today I feel like I am some sort of tail spin. Sitting down and just speaking my thoughts are no help. Words, this blog, this seems to come much easier right now. I am confused, scared, somewhat...but more than anything I seem to be at a lack of knowing what to do. I don't know what to do, how to lead, how to love, how to look like your Son with the situation that is going on.

My wife is hurting, for two weeks at least, she is unsure of what to do, what to say, unsure of her relationship with You. She hasn't done a quiet time in over 2 weeks, hasn't journal'd to you in that same amount of time. She hates everything, her own words, and isn't sure what to do. She is upset with me, upset with everyone and wants me to help her but is upset that I haven't yet.

I know I am a guy, I can be dense, I have also tried to handle this the way that she has asked me to from past arguments and fights. For doing that this time, however, and is upset that I didn't come out and ask her what's wrong. In the past, she gets upset if I push, if I ask, so I didn't. I waited for her to be ready to talk. Today I was accused of not loving her. Lord, You know I love her, I adore her. I am not perfect though. I feel that I am blameless in this situation, that accusation however, I will eat crow if asked. I would rather see unity, see peace and restoration in this than for me to claim blameslessness. I don't know what to do.

I will say that I want my resolve to be strengthened in that I will love her, never give up on her and to fight for her to be back at peace and rightness with You. Where do I start? I feel like I failed her though. I could have, should have prayed for her every day, not just every day but good, quality prayers, consuming time, energy and my strength. She is my wife and I am to treat her and love her as Christ, Your Son, loved the church. I failed to do that. Her condition, her heart and soul may be far from You and I admit, I am partial to blame. Where was her hsuband praying for her, praying that she would be lifted high, praying that she would be in right union with You, growing close to You. Lord, I failed her, I failed You.

Though I failed, I am not willing to sulk in that failure. I recognize that I need You and she needs You. She needs You more than me, but she also needs a Godly man, one who is willing to fight for her and to not give up on her. Help me, give MORE than JUST wisdom, I need compassion, love, patience, I need Your Spirit being bold, being shown, speaking through me, touching the heart of my wife, impacting her heart and her soul. I need to be close to You, to chase after You and I ask that You help my wife do the same. Help me love her right now, because I am weak to do so on my own. I am weak and sinful. I am wretched. It would be easier to leave, to flee, to quit on her, but it is the flesh that says that. It is the heart of a sinful man that shares that as options. Your Spirit, who sealed me for the day of redemption, Your Spirit that lives within me, the Helper, sent by Christ, Your Spirit says to do differently. Lead me Spirit, lead me in loving this creation of yours, this child, this daughter that has a rightful place in Your Son's inheritance. This daughter of Yours is my wife and You love her more than I do. Help me Lord.
AMEN