So Unworthy

As I fall, will You still love me? As I slip in the mess I made, will You still clean me off? As I look so stained, dirty, full of such shame, will You still call me Yours? If I look far from the child You want, will You still call me son? Why is it that so often I fail at the task at hand? What good do You see in me my Lord? Let's be honest, I am far from the person You should have chosen? I fail, I fall, I bring other people down. It's like I try, and I fail. Will I learn? Will I learn from my failure? You could have anyone, anyone...why won't You give up on me? I would have left me so long ago! Why would I concern myself with someone like me? Father, I make a mess of so much. My reputation is that of a fool...no one care ever take me seriously. I would rather You take me now...if You did, then I would be unable to make a mess, to hurt, to bring shame upon my head! I wish I had ash and sackcloth. I wish I had the means to wipe away the hurt and pain I have caused. I deserve Hell. I deserve an eternity without You. I deserve every rotten thing a sinner like me should get.....why do You love me? Why do You chase after me? Why do You care? I flee in shame, I hide.....oh how I have sinned! Yet, You come...You flood me with such grace and Kindness! I do not deserve it, I want to scream, "take it away!!!!" But I would be a fool to refuse Your grace....but I abuse it, and come back like an addict asking for me. I have failed You. I use and abuse Your grace.... I regret my actions, I regret what I have said, what I have did. This shame, this pain...how can I expect someone to think I have changed when what I show is anything but. You love me, I know, but I cannot fathom why. I am unlovable. My inequity should crush me. Why won't You let me hide in my shame and nakedness. I do not deserve You, I am unworthy of You. Why do You have affections for me? Why do You let me speak Your words, why do You let me minister to anyone? I have shamed You my God, I have sinned against You. Yet You love me...Lord, for tonight, please don't leave me. Please don't leave me....You bring me comfort, You bring me peace, You bring me the healing I need. In this time, I need You. I need You.

Yup, You are God!

Yeah, I was tired today Lord. I was not wanting to get up!! However, I have this pep in my step! I do, I feel giggly, silly, happy....I think the dizziness is gone too! I want it gone too!!! It was killing me, well not literally, but you know what I mean, it was such a bother! Yes, first world problem Lord, true, but still! I loved worship last night. Thank You for Caitlyn, for heart heart, for her love...I needed it last night. That whole head thing just kept me from my usual self. I was energy-less! Lord, nothing compares to what You can do through people. That is how I can tell You love me, Caitlyn, Your people. You have a special way of showing it!

I am just thrilled that today is the day it is! I would rather stay home, veg out, play some video games, but I am excited that Mikey and Chief want me to come with them to the LoneRider Brewery Tour. It is good to feel wanted, to feel loved...especially by the guys I feel the closest to down here. I still miss Michigan, I miss Anthony, I miss what I know. Last night Lord I thought about all the close relationships I see people have down here and I miss that, but I don't want it down here. I want to see my best friend, I miss him. I miss seeing Adam at Big John's too. I miss Nikki, I miss being able to drive around Clio some days. I miss Erica and Cole...I miss it!

Speaking of those things, I am so honored to get a chance to preach at Colonial Hills on June 3rd! I want to see as much of Miranda's family and my family there. I want to see my friends come out...I want a chance to share the message of Your Son, Your Love, the Cross there that day. I want to see lives changed, and hearts reshaped! I want to see people bow their knees to You, surrender their loves to You! Even now as I listen to Give me Faith..that is what I want for that weekend, give me the faith to trust You, to get up there and to speak. Make me strong, make me passionate, let the love I have for You shine through, and amplify that even more! I want this to be a chance to really share the Gospel! You will not fail, Your word does not return void...be strong in me!

Lord, forgive me of my sins, forgive me of the times I have given myself over to the desires of my flesh. Father, I have failed you, countless times. I do not deserve to even live today but by Your grace and mercy I do. Look, I do not want to sugarcoat anything, I am an awful man, a sinner who thinks of Himself more often than not, but I am so grateful that Your Spirit lives in me. Your Spirit works through me, gives through me, shares through me...I would be lost without It. Lord, the fight was won on the cross! You have overcome my sins, taken them, punished for them...Yes You love me, You did it because I couldn't do it on my own...but You did it because of Your love for Your creation...You did it in spite of our sins, of our true nature. Take my heart, make it Yours, today, tomorrow, this week, next week, for life! Overcome my sinful nature, make me more like You. Help me not to be selfish, to not care about my own deeds, my own desires. Lord, I love You. Thank You!
AMEN

1/13/12

Well look, heh, today is a great day. Yes, I started off with thoughts I am not proud of, in fact I am ashamed of them. However, with a little love from my wife and her honesty, it convicted me. Well, I thought about it a little more even after but realizing with the day You have in store for me it is not worth it. I am thankful that today is today! I am thrilled about what there is to look forward to! Honestly, I feel like a kid that has to wait for Christmas morning and it is Christmas Eve!! I love it!

I want to thank You for how awesome Apex was last night. Anneliese made my night with her honesty, giggling, bringing 2 friends, Ryan came and seemed to love it and even CJ was there, sitting, listening I hope...I know after they graduate, CJ and Ryan are the future of the group, but thankfully, Jacob will be a freshmen next year, adding to the group. Regardless, the Bunch';s let us use their house and I thank You for that too! We need a family like the Bunch's that would let us use their house and they are so kind and warm!! Thank You!!

I am also just ecstatic about Meta coming up. I am nervous though about how many kids we will have for it! I want to see a bunch, of course, but that is because I want to see a bunch of youth enjoy what there is in this retreat. Yes, with retreats numbers matter to me, IDK why, maybe because it shows to me how much I think they care? IDK, I know that I like having a bunch of kids out and looking forward to things like this!! I do pray that Meta will be great and great for them, that Clayton will be infused with Your Spirit and bring many youth to know You in an intimate way! I also ask that Father you use this as a chance to really hook in the Glenn family!! I would love to see them surrender their life to You!! I want the Bunch's to go too!! How awesome would that be!! So Lord, I ask that You make this happen, but regardless who is there and not there, that You give me a heart excited for those that are there!!

I pray that worship night tonight is off the hook!! I want it to be incredible for all that come to it and all that are helping with it! I want it to be packed and for arms high, hearts abandonded and that we all just get lost in worship in You! Make tonight special!!

I ask that You guide Chief and I into the sermon planning today!! I want it to be great, fun, exciting but I want to make sure we pick out some important things too! I don't want to preach what Travis thinks or feels but what Your Spirit would have me preach and share....Lord, help me get past myself and let You through in this!!

Lord, I love You!! Thank You for a great morning. Forgive me of my gross and terrible sins!! Restore me, wash me clean, make me like Your Son, Jesus the Christ!!

AMEN

1/11/12

Today is a great day!! Meta is coming up and this excites me!! I cannot wait for Meta!! I am pumped that this is a chance even to get Shenia, Malik and Kiki involved in something big and very powerful. I hope they do not think this is lame, Lord, I pray now and ask you that they will somehow, one way or another love Meta...maybe the fellowship, the food, the time at the houses or that whatever Clayton shares will be incredible!! I want them to come away from this either changed, desiring to change or open to change. I want them to see there is a better life out there for them and that life is through Your Son, Jesus.

Thank you for Kelly's son Lee, and for being back now from war and back home for good. Thank you for keeping him safe and sound, taking care of him and now, I still ask watch over him. I do know Kelly is nervous, with all the pills and shots he had and just the fact so many struggle mentally and with sound mental health when they get back. You are God though and You have the power to heal the soul, body and mind and I ask that for Lee, you will do that, especially since he is married. I do not know the relationship between You and Lee, but I would like him to have one with You and for him to find peace in Your friendship and Godship.

I am excited to start our Apex Life Group tomorrow!! I do not think this would be possible without the Bunch's!! I do hope that they are grateful for this and excited to host this! I hope that this can also be a blessing to their entire family. I want to see this life group succeed and grow both spiritually and physically. I want to see the youth really enjoy themselves there and that they are excited to invite their friends. This is the way they are supposed to grow, organically, but I know that the growth is also up to You, which means we need to really love each other, to really take care of each other and through that people will be attracted to this group and these people. I pray that Father that happens and I pray that the prayer time will be powerful for these kids!

I am thankful that today I can sit around and play video games. I think mentally Lord I needed this but I know it is nit possible without you giving me this. I thank you for TA of the Year award and for being able to have Tara help me with it as well as my wife. I thank you for being able to see Ian was home to drop off Nikki's card. I hope she liked it, that in her heart it pleased her. I cannot wait to celebrate her and Xander's birthday this weekend! It will be nice! I also know I am thankful for the family we have down here. We would be at a lose without them! Thank you!

1/6/12

Psalm 13:5-6 MSG
5 I've thrown myself headlong into your arms-I'm celebrating your rescue.6 I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers.

God, thank you for the opportunity to thank Chris for the faith he had and has in me to lead youth. Thank you for Chris giving me the chance to lead youth. Yes I know I struggle with him and I do not think I want to work for him at this church for my whole life but I do know this, this is where you have me and I am so thankful for You and this chance! It felt good to tell Chris those things and it hit me that it was a reminder from the previous verse in Psalm 9:1-2 where I wanted my heart to go, to a place where I could be laughing and jumping with joy in my relationship with You.

Today, I still feel on fire, though I admit, I feel tempted with lust, knowing it will be a long day and my wife about to begin her period. Rescue me from these thoughts and desire, keep me free from that evil sin, let my flesh give up on its desire and to be cornered back into submission. Give me strength my Lord!

God, thank You just for life, for my wife especially too. I thank You for this class I am taking. It has been incredible and I love every minute of it!! I love the insights you are giving me and the opportunities to feel comfortable with some of my classmates (which did not come easy for me until the past few classes). It has been a greater joy being in class with these men! Thank You for Dr. Zempel as well. He is a good man, and I believe he is chasing after Your heart.

Lord, I want to come before You again about my desire for children. You know that Miranda and I strongly desire to have children of our own and that is a great thing to desire! I wantt o be a dad, but I also know that it has to be in Your time. I am willing to concede to that but I do not want to give up in coming before Your throne and asking You to bring us that joy, that baby, that child we want. Lord I love You, I trust You but I also ask, because it is a good thing to ask, that you open my wife's womb, make my sperm work, whatever it takes to get this natural process going, the thing you created, and the life that only you can create!!

I just pray too that this fast Miranda and I are about to partake in for 3 whole weeks will be incredible!! I am kind of excited about it now and kind of dreading it!! Who wants to give up meat for 3 weeks?? I mean, meat!!! But Lord, I think this will be a great chance to really pursue after You and to do it with my wife! This can be a fun time!! Lord, let it be fun, help us make the most of it and to grow closer to You and to each other as man and wife.

Lord I love you and I thank you for time with Anthony and CIndy of late and pray that their marriage will be successful in your eyes and that they will raise up together and do great things together in ministry and in building your kingdom. Help me get them to serve together or at least get the seed planted to do just that!

Lord I love you, time for a shower now. Heh!! Thank you for hot water!

AMEN

1/4/12

So today as I read through another section of "My First Two Years in Youth Ministry" and it talks about stress and spiritual disconnect, and I have come across the part about lack of meaningful prayer and that is my part right now. I feel so disconnected lately because of that. I have prayed, but on my own, I feel that my personal prayer has lacked meaning and passion and it is killing me.

Today, my goal is through this blog, is to start to make that personal prayer powerful and meaningful again.

First off, I ask Father that my wife will grow in her desire to love you and to grow in her faith in you. I want it to be foundational growth, something to really build off of and to grow off that. I do not want it to be based off of feelings, feelings can come and go and can leave her (and me and everyone else) so empty. I want her to grow in her knowledge of who you are, who your son is, the Holy Spirit, and other doctrines. I want her to be able to stand up on her own feet with you behind her holding her up because her strength is in You and not on feelings of you. I want to see her truly desire to get to know you and to grow. I want to see her become passionate about her love and growth in her walk and that in doing so it grows her in ministry. I love my wife and I want the best for her. I under stand it is my job to guide her, teach her and set the example and I do not want to fail that. I want to take this job, this responsibility seriously. Help me in doing so. Teach me so I can teach her, and break me when I get stubborn. We both know I can get stubborn, and when I do, I need you to be strong and break me, even if it hurts me. I do not want to be stuck in some stubbornness like a mule.

I pray also for my own desire to grow, kind of feeding off of what I just wrote, that I can be stubborn, and it is true. I can be. I know have I lacked patience lately, with driving, with people when I get zoned in on something...I can tell in my voice. I still feel bitter with Chris. I struggle there with him and I feel like he still refuses to understand where I come from. I feel he lacks the grace I need and lacks the qualities to lead me. I know I can be a lot to handle, but I guess that's it. I want a strong leader who can give me grace and understand me yet push me to grow. However, I need to have my own desire to grow, I need you. I want that joy and passion to come back to you in prayer. I want that excitement again. I do know when I miss a quiet time, miss sitting down and reading the Bible, I feel empty, hungry, I know I am missing out, but lately that has not been enough to fuel me into wanting more, wanting to escape to go and read it, to go and put in my time to finish a chapter, a book even...break me. I feel like I am some mule, refusing to bend, refusing to serve you in the way I need to. Break me....do not fail me on this lord. I love you, but I believe you are more concerned with my being than my doing, and I want my being to love you incredibly much so it affects my doing that much more.

I pray for our downtown life group. I want Clyde to come and to join. I want to see us grow spiritually and physically as well. I want to see our group fall in love with you first, then each other second. I want to see us really learn how to serve each other and to love each other. We have a bunch of strong personalities int he group and they can be feisty and sensitive. It is unique, but You are a unique God and we need you. I thank you for the growth that we have had and for the people in our group. I am thankful for what you have done in our group and for Joanna letting us use her house!

Apex and Athens Drive Life Groups will be starting up so soon! I want to see them be a success but I feel like I need you to show me and tell me what success for these groups looks like. I want to pour into Richard and Corey and help build them up to be strong leaders. I do not want to see them get discouraged. I want to see them grow and be nurtured. I want to see youth look forward to coming to our group and be excited about our group. I want to see our youth really love on new visitors and welcome them in with loving and gracious arms! I want to see this be a time of great growth for them and this can be a time for them to grow and ask questions. Be in control of these life groups and make them something that glorifies you!!

After a good talk with my wife last night about her family, I just ask that you save them. Bring them all into a saving relationship with you. I also know that this means we have to do a better job with how we love them, and love them with such a strong zeal and purpose. I know it breaks her heart to know that if they died they would go to Hell. I know that she desires for them to have a relationship with you and so I pray that they do. I pray you bring that marvelous light into their world. Miranda and I should be, and it is scary...I admit, I am intimidated by it. How do we do it? How do we find a way to share with them? Does it start with Randy? Do we do what dad did and sit down with him and share our testimonies? Will he listen? Will he care? Will it change his life? I don't know, but we have to figure out something. Lord, help us!

Finally, you know our desire is to have children. I admit, I fell off track with praying to you everyday about this. That is all on me. I still desire a child, of our own. I want a child so badly Lord! I wish I was a father. I want to be a father. Last night even I said, you know I would give up video games for life for a child, which wasn't some vow or promise or a way to trick you into giving us a child but more a means to me that my desire for a child is so strong. I would be willing to move mountains for a child. It would be scary raising a child in this world but I would be brave enough too! I do think I would home school them though. I just don't like where public education is going. Lord, if I am to be a father, teach what that means so not only can I be a father that is good to my child but a father that you are proud of. I want to hear "well done good and faithful servant."

I love you. Forgive me for my lust, my sin of being angry, bitter, spiteful and mean. Forgive me of not finding meaningful time in my relationship with you. I have sucked lately but you are a great and mighty God!
AMEN

SOAP 1/2/12

Psalm 9:1-2

1 I'm thanking you, God, from a full heart, I'm writing the book on your wonders.2 I'm whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy; I'm singing your song, High God.

I feel this is where I should be, where I have been before and where I want to go. Lord, I have let anger, bitterness, hurt feelings, insults, disrespect, apathy and frustration keep me from having a full heart of praise for You. Yesterday as I stood in church, worship music playing, I felt confronted with the fact I was upset with your creation, the people you made, the people you brought into this Covenantal relationship with and things weren't adding up. I had a choice, work on forgiving them, make peace with them and freely worship you or be upset with them, hold my anger and let it seep through towards them and then worship you with my mouth but let my heart be far from you. That is scary! I never want to worship with you mouth but not heart.

Through this time right now I want you to help bring me back to this time of laughing and jumping for joy for you. I want to sing your song high! Alas, I am flesh, I am weak and I cannot do this on my own. This is where I ask that you help me. Lift me up, dust the dirt off me, hold my hand and lead me. I want to be at peace with all, which also means dusting off the small things that really annoy and see who they come from, why they do and to remember to not worry about all those small things. In doing so, I will not be bogged down with all these frustrations, feeling like everyone is adding more weight onto me. Lord, with Your help, I can overcome them, allowing my heart to be full of that joy and praise!

Lord, I just add too, that I need you all of today. I ask that you watch over me, keep my heart on you and that todays meeting goes extremely well. I want it to be productive, yes, and I want it to be worthwhile for all involved. I want us to grow together as a youth ministry team and to grow as friends. I want us, as a team, and as individuals, to really make an impact on the lives of the youth that we are involved with. That to me, will help bring a heart full of joy and praise. Melt the ice off my heart, love me continually, forgive me for my sins and hold me true, true to you and your path. I love you.

AMEN