So today as I read through another section of "My First Two Years in Youth Ministry" and it talks about stress and spiritual disconnect, and I have come across the part about lack of meaningful prayer and that is my part right now. I feel so disconnected lately because of that. I have prayed, but on my own, I feel that my personal prayer has lacked meaning and passion and it is killing me.
Today, my goal is through this blog, is to start to make that personal prayer powerful and meaningful again.
First off, I ask Father that my wife will grow in her desire to love you and to grow in her faith in you. I want it to be foundational growth, something to really build off of and to grow off that. I do not want it to be based off of feelings, feelings can come and go and can leave her (and me and everyone else) so empty. I want her to grow in her knowledge of who you are, who your son is, the Holy Spirit, and other doctrines. I want her to be able to stand up on her own feet with you behind her holding her up because her strength is in You and not on feelings of you. I want to see her truly desire to get to know you and to grow. I want to see her become passionate about her love and growth in her walk and that in doing so it grows her in ministry. I love my wife and I want the best for her. I under stand it is my job to guide her, teach her and set the example and I do not want to fail that. I want to take this job, this responsibility seriously. Help me in doing so. Teach me so I can teach her, and break me when I get stubborn. We both know I can get stubborn, and when I do, I need you to be strong and break me, even if it hurts me. I do not want to be stuck in some stubbornness like a mule.
I pray also for my own desire to grow, kind of feeding off of what I just wrote, that I can be stubborn, and it is true. I can be. I know have I lacked patience lately, with driving, with people when I get zoned in on something...I can tell in my voice. I still feel bitter with Chris. I struggle there with him and I feel like he still refuses to understand where I come from. I feel he lacks the grace I need and lacks the qualities to lead me. I know I can be a lot to handle, but I guess that's it. I want a strong leader who can give me grace and understand me yet push me to grow. However, I need to have my own desire to grow, I need you. I want that joy and passion to come back to you in prayer. I want that excitement again. I do know when I miss a quiet time, miss sitting down and reading the Bible, I feel empty, hungry, I know I am missing out, but lately that has not been enough to fuel me into wanting more, wanting to escape to go and read it, to go and put in my time to finish a chapter, a book even...break me. I feel like I am some mule, refusing to bend, refusing to serve you in the way I need to. Break me....do not fail me on this lord. I love you, but I believe you are more concerned with my being than my doing, and I want my being to love you incredibly much so it affects my doing that much more.
I pray for our downtown life group. I want Clyde to come and to join. I want to see us grow spiritually and physically as well. I want to see our group fall in love with you first, then each other second. I want to see us really learn how to serve each other and to love each other. We have a bunch of strong personalities int he group and they can be feisty and sensitive. It is unique, but You are a unique God and we need you. I thank you for the growth that we have had and for the people in our group. I am thankful for what you have done in our group and for Joanna letting us use her house!
Apex and Athens Drive Life Groups will be starting up so soon! I want to see them be a success but I feel like I need you to show me and tell me what success for these groups looks like. I want to pour into Richard and Corey and help build them up to be strong leaders. I do not want to see them get discouraged. I want to see them grow and be nurtured. I want to see youth look forward to coming to our group and be excited about our group. I want to see our youth really love on new visitors and welcome them in with loving and gracious arms! I want to see this be a time of great growth for them and this can be a time for them to grow and ask questions. Be in control of these life groups and make them something that glorifies you!!
After a good talk with my wife last night about her family, I just ask that you save them. Bring them all into a saving relationship with you. I also know that this means we have to do a better job with how we love them, and love them with such a strong zeal and purpose. I know it breaks her heart to know that if they died they would go to Hell. I know that she desires for them to have a relationship with you and so I pray that they do. I pray you bring that marvelous light into their world. Miranda and I should be, and it is scary...I admit, I am intimidated by it. How do we do it? How do we find a way to share with them? Does it start with Randy? Do we do what dad did and sit down with him and share our testimonies? Will he listen? Will he care? Will it change his life? I don't know, but we have to figure out something. Lord, help us!
Finally, you know our desire is to have children. I admit, I fell off track with praying to you everyday about this. That is all on me. I still desire a child, of our own. I want a child so badly Lord! I wish I was a father. I want to be a father. Last night even I said, you know I would give up video games for life for a child, which wasn't some vow or promise or a way to trick you into giving us a child but more a means to me that my desire for a child is so strong. I would be willing to move mountains for a child. It would be scary raising a child in this world but I would be brave enough too! I do think I would home school them though. I just don't like where public education is going. Lord, if I am to be a father, teach what that means so not only can I be a father that is good to my child but a father that you are proud of. I want to hear "well done good and faithful servant."
I love you. Forgive me for my lust, my sin of being angry, bitter, spiteful and mean. Forgive me of not finding meaningful time in my relationship with you. I have sucked lately but you are a great and mighty God!
AMEN
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