Fall on my knees

These words come to mind, though right now I take them more as a metaphor for where my heart should be. I am such a sinner. I am so muddy and dirty. I feel like a pig in slop, rolling around in filth, filth that I created. Why do I think I can do what I want and so callously do it. Where is my heart? Is my heart circumcised at all? Of course I would question my security as a believer when I do such awful sinful things. I hide it, I put a mask on and I do what I choose to do. My flesh tricks me. It wants what it craves. It wants what it craves so badly that it will lie to get it.

I could tell in my heart that there is some dark seed, sitting there...I need help Lord. Rescue me from myself, for I am in a dark spot right now. Anger, bitterness, lust (those leering looks) and just plain rebellion is running rampant in my life or so it seems. Maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, maybe...but instead I say, no, sin is sin and it is huge. A little bit of sin in a huge batch of dough corrupts the whole batch. I feel corrupted, oh Lord, do I ever...like this dark side is wanting out or taking over. It's possible I am exaggerating...but honestly this is how I feel without you!

How can I read my Bible, fall in love with Your words, feel compelled to live by them and then turn around and sin. Did I forget who I was? Did I turn away because I think my way is better? If there is any light to this dark, dank tunnel it is this: You. You are bigger than all my sin. You are bigger than the corrupt heart of any sinner. I do not want to taste Your goodness, and then forfeit all it's wonderful goodness and all its taste. I did mess up, yes, I did...my heart says to fall on my knees. It says to repent, to come humbly before you and give over my heart...to surrender and to share that I was so in the wrong....today is a new day...I want peace, I seek Your peace...I believe I know how you are telling me to get it. Lord, I am on my "knees" asking for forgiveness, knowing that You are faithful and just and will wash away my sin!
AMEN